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BREAKING: President Suspends 5-Second Rule

Mark Jeftovic
By Mark Jeftovic / April 1, 2013

The venerated “5-second rule”, which enables youngsters and adults alike to retrieve and then eat a coveted sweet, candy or morsel of food that has been dropped on the floor, provided it is retrieved within 5 seconds of impact, has been suspended by executive order of the Obama administration.

Citing “3 key win/win effects” executive order 1304-01 (dubbed the “Zero-Cost Prosperity Act”) was announced moments ago. Mr Obama unveiled the measure as a way to bolster the economy, improve US healthcare and smooth out income disparity at no cost to the US taxpayer:

“One: You drop something on the floor, that’s it. You leave it there and go buy another one. That stimulates demand and improves the economy.

Two: Somebody else can nab it. That smooths out wealth disparity (has everyone seen that 1% video on YouTube ?)

And finally: Germs. You drop a skittle on the floor, who knows what it’s going to come back up with. The last thing the American economy needs now is a floor-bourne pandemic.”

The executive order also contained a number of other housekeeping items including an executive override of the 2nd, 8th and 10th amendments, a prohibition against bitcoin being used by any US citizen and a declaration of war against Syria.

About the author

Mark Jeftovic

Mark Jeftovic is the creator of Wealth.net, founder and CEO of Canadian domain registrar and DNS provider easyDNS.com and member of the indie rock sensations The Parkdale Hookers.

His personal blog is at markable.com

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