BREAKING: President Suspends 5-Second Rule

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The venerated “5-second rule”, which enables youngsters and adults alike to retrieve and then eat a coveted sweet, candy or morsel of food that has been dropped on the floor, provided it is retrieved within 5 seconds of impact, has been suspended by executive order of the Obama administration.

Citing “3 key win/win effects” executive order 1304-01 (dubbed the “Zero-Cost Prosperity Act”) was announced moments ago. Mr Obama unveiled the measure as a way to bolster the economy, improve US healthcare and smooth out income disparity at no cost to the US taxpayer:

“One: You drop something on the floor, that’s it. You leave it there and go buy another one. That stimulates demand and improves the economy.

Two: Somebody else can nab it. That smooths out wealth disparity (has everyone seen that 1% video on YouTube ?)

And finally: Germs. You drop a skittle on the floor, who knows what it’s going to come back up with. The last thing the American economy needs now is a floor-bourne pandemic.”

The executive order also contained a number of other housekeeping items including an executive override of the 2nd, 8th and 10th amendments, a prohibition against bitcoin being used by any US citizen and a declaration of war against Syria.

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